linguabarno before i die

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1 2 before i die jenny downham 3 for louis and archie, with love 4 one i wish i had a boyfriend. i wish he lived in the wardrobe on a coat hanger. whenever i wanted, i could get him out and he d look at me the way boys do in films, as if i m beautiful. he wouldn t speak much, but he d be breathing hard as he took off his leather jacket and unbuckled his jeans. he d wear white pants and he d be so gorgeous i d almost faint. he d take my clothes off too. he d whisper, tessa, i love you. i really bloody love you. you re beautiful – exactly those words – as he undressed me. i sit up and switch on the bedside light. there s a pen, but no paper, so on the wall behind me i write, …

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then. now he s downstairs frying sausages. i can hear the fat spitting, the slosh of gravy in the pan. i m not sure i should be able to hear that from all the way upstairs, but nothing surprises me any more. i can hear cal unzipping his coat now, back from buying mustard. ten minutes ago he was given a pound and told, don t talk to anyone weird. while he was gone, dad stood on the back step and smoked a fag. i could hear the whisper of leaves hitting the grass at his feet. autumn invading. hang your coat up and go and see if tess wants anything, dad says. there s plenty of blackberries. make them sound interesting. cal has his trainers on; the air in the soles sighs as he leaps up the stairs and through my bedroom door. i pretend to be asleep, which …

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lane winks its way across the sky. she says, what s that you ve written on the wall? 7 i don t know why i let her read it. i guess i want something to happen. it s in black ink. with zoey looking, all the words writhe like spiders. she reads it over and over. i hate it how sorry she can be for me. she speaks very softly. it s not exactly disneyland, is it? did i say it was? i thought that was the idea. not mine. i think your dad s expecting you to ask for a pony, not a boyfriend. it s amazing, the sound of us laughing. even though it hurts, i love it. laughing with zoey is absolutely one of my favourite things, because i know we ve both got the same stupid pictures in our heads. she only has to say, maybe …

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s, zoey, and i ve never even been kissed. i watch my words fall into her. they land somewhere very deep. not loads of times, she says eventually. please, zoey. even if i beg you not to, even if i m horrible to you, you must make me do it. i ve got a whole long list of things i want to do. when she says, ok, she makes it sound easy, as if i only asked her to visit me more often. you mean it? i said so, didn t i? i wonder if she knows what she s letting herself in for. i sit up in bed and watch her fiddle about in the back of my wardrobe. i think she s got a plan. that s what s good about zoey. she d better hurry 9 up though, because i m starting to think of things like …

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er finger and dabs at my cheeks. she s very pale and very 10 blonde and her acne makes her look kind of savage. i ve never had a spot in my life. it s the luck of the draw. she lines my lips and fills in the space with lipstick. she finds some mascara and tells me to look right at her. i try to imagine what it might be like to be her. i often do this, but i can never really get my head round it. when she makes me stand up in front of the mirror again, i glitter. a little like her. where do you want to go? she says. there are loads of places. the pub. a club. a party. i want a big dark room you can barely move in, with bodies grinding close together. i want to hear a thousand songs played …

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1 2 before i die jenny downham 3 for louis and archie, with love 4 one i wish i had a boyfriend. i wish he lived in the wardrobe on a coat hanger. whenever i wanted, i could get him out and he d look at me the way boys do in films, as if i m beautiful. he wouldn t speak much, but he d be breathing hard as he took off his leather jacket and unbuckled his jeans. he d wear white pants and he d be so gorgeous i d almost faint. he d take my clothes off too. he d whisper, tessa, i love you. i really bloody love you. you re beautiful – exactly those …

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